Problems with adult, children, and youth ministry

Our churches are failing children in the children and youth ministries. I said it: FAILING! The reason we are failing them is that they are leaving the church as young adults, with many never to return. We are failing to disciple our children to the point where they become active members of church, evangelizing and discipling them, to the point where they evangelize and disciple others.

Upon reflection, I note that many parents with children do one of two things: come to church and drop off their children in the children’s Sunday School class, their youth in the youth Sunday School class, and then go to their own classes, or they simply come to church and take their kids to chlidren’s church, while attending an adult’s version of church themselves. In our society, we have become more and more accustomed to letting school teach our children, scouts and sports teams teach our children, and church teach our children. We’ve come to expect videos games and television and computers to baby sit our kids. We let them spend tons of time with other kids in the neighborhood.

The problem is that they are learning morals from teachers who most likely do not share our morals. They are learning how to interact with children from children, from people who do not KNOW how to act in godly ways. They are not learning how to interact intelligently, lovingly, morally, in godly ways, with others of all ages. Children do not need to learn how to call others names, hit people, be jealous, be petty, be bullied, bully others, throw fits to get their way, lie, or be mean; they generally do these things naturally.  Children six year old do not need to learn how to interact with other six year olds; they already do know how to do that. Every time our children pick up bad habits, we have to untrain them, and reenforce good habits.

I’m not training my children to be children – I’m training them to be adults. My six year old will never have to interact with six year olds again, until she has her own. Children need to learn how to be adults – and not just adults, but godly adults. Would it not be better for her to learn how to interact with people of all ages and to be an adult from a godly adult? To learn to be godly adults, they need godly role models. Luckily, God has provided them for our children: parents! 

Unfortunately, parents are abdicating their responsibility to teach their children to schools and to churches and to computers and to video games and to whatever. Most parents want to be good parents. Some of us want to teach our children who God is, what God has done, and what God wants from us and for us. But the problem is, few of us know how to be healthy, God-fearing, moral adults, much less good, moral, God-fearing parents.

How much time are we spending with a quiet time with the Lord? How much time are we spending in a daily devotional with our spouse? How much time are we spending studying the word of God? How much time are we spending with our own children? How much are we teaching our own children the word of God? How much time are we spending modeling how to study the word of God? How much time are we modeling how to put the word of God into action in our lives? How much time are we spending modeling how to have a personal time with God? Most of us do not do these things ourselves. And for those who do, most have no idea how to do them with their children. Few of us have had good role models of what it means to be an adult led by God, let alone a parent led by God.

I believe this is where the church comes in. We need to stop being a place where parents drop their children off for an hour of instruction. We need to stop being a place for people to come to once a week. We need to stop being a place where people go to feel good for an hour a week. We need to stop being a social club. We need to change the way we do ministry, and we need to change the church structure.

We need to stop doing church, and be a family. Families spend time together. Families have dinner together. Families do things with each other. Families teach each other. Families learn from each other. Families pray for, and with, each other. Families love each other. This is the model we see in the primitive church in the book of Acts. The church needs to take the role it was intended to have: discipler.

The local church needs to be a place where the word of God is taught and caught. We need to teach the word of God, so the Holy Spirit will lead people to conviction. This will lead to godly sorrow, which in turn will lead to repentance. This in turn will lead to salvation. This in turn will lead to people who are ready to be discipled.

We need to teach people who God wants them to be. It is their HEARTS God wants. If He has those, then He will have their bodies as well. We need to teach the word of God, but more than than, we need to model to people how to be Christians. We need to model how to be married. We need to model how to be parents. We need to model how to teach our children. 

In terms of cell groups, or small groups, or community groups (or what ever we want to call them), we need to have our children with us the majority of the time. Children need to realize we wrestle with life. Children need to see us wrestle with the tough issues of life: marital difficulties, finances, child raising, work-related problems, decision making, etc. But even so, I am not saying the children need to present 100% of the time with us, as we will need to deal with some issues at a level of delicacy that the very young do not need to be exposed to. However, most of the time, our children should be with us. 

In terms of men’s groups and women’s groups, we need to model what it is to be men and women of God. How can a man learn to be a godly man if he is not exposed to godly men? How can a woman learn to be a godly woman if she is not exposed to godly women? And not just that, but our children eight and up need to be with us. Men need to take their male children with them to the men’s groups the majority of the time. Women need to take their female children with them to the women’s groups the majority of the time. How can a boy learn to be a man if he is not exposed to life from a man’s perspective? How can a girl learn to be a woman if she is not exposed to life from a woman’s perspective? 

In terms of children’s ministry, we need the parents to be there. It is not enough to teach our children stories. It is not even enough to teach our children the word of God. We need to teach our parents how to be godly men and women, so they can be godly parents. It is only in this way that they can model to their children how to be godly adults. Children of different genders and ages can be taught together at this age. Do you recall hearing stories about one room school houses? The older kids taught the younger kids. They were role models for the younger children. But no more dropping off children and letting others do the work the parents are responsible for. We need to model to our parents how to teach the word of God and how to model the word of God to their children. We need to model to our parents how to deal with issues of parenting:  teaching the word of God, discipline, character development, decision making,  anger management, managing our emotions, etc.. We can not do that if we are not with the parents AND the children.

In terms of youth ministry, we again need the parents to be there. Children ages 8 and up should be in the youth ministry. I say 8, because children in our society are maturing both physically and mentally at a younger age than ever before. My eight year son is using deodorant – and NEEEDS it. They are interested in girls. And girls and boys are having sex at a much younger age than ever before in our society. As such, we need to address more mature issues with the children at a younger age than ever before. In this case, our children and parents should be separated by gender. Our young female adults in training need to be with young females to address issues women deal with. Our young male adults in training need to be with young males to address issues men deal with. But they need to learn to deal with these from their parents. The moms need to teach their girls, and the dads need to teach their boys. The church needs to model to the moms and dads how to do this. 

Then in terms of young adults (ages 16 and up), we need to get them more deeply involved in the adult ministries, learning more and more how to put God’s word into practice from their dads and other men who love God. We need to plug them into the groups they will be members of if they remain in town for college, for work, or technical training, or to which they will return to when they come home from school. 

We also need to get children and youth involved in ministering. We need to teach them how to study the word of God, and model it. People learn by hearing, seeing, and then doing. If we have them ministering as children and youth, they will minister as adults. We need them involved with us at all levels of ministry, evangelizing, visiting the sick, needy, and imprisoned, feeding the poor, working on homes and cars, evangelizing, teaching, preaching, etc. 

Our church needs to model to our people the how to be Christians. We can only do this by spending time with them, giving them information, modeling how to put that information into practice, and then giving them opportunities to put what they have learned into practice. We MUST model how to live out their faith. Only in this way will children who grow up not leave the church when they go to college, enter the military, or find full time jobs.